Captain's log, stardate 42402. 7.
We're in the Omega Sagitta system traversing between the twin planets
that form the Coalition of Madena.
Both worlds are populated by a humanoid race
which colonised the planets two centuries ago.
They coexist under a precarious but successful treaty.
Unidentified vessel approaching.
Sensors show a small, class-9 vessel,
probably an interplanetary cargo ship.
One life sign aboard, sir.
It appears to be humanoid.
- I have its call sign now. - Confirmed.
Armed with lasers only.
Its cargo holds are empty.
Its guidance system is malfunctioning.
The pilot is attempting to hold course manually.
We should set the Enterprise to intercept in case he needs help.
Make it so, Mr. Crusher.
We're in position now, Captain.
- Open hailing frequencies. - Frequencies open.
This is the USS Enterprise, Capt Jean-Luc Picard.
This is the cargo carrier Erstwhile.
Captain Okona at your service, sir.
No need for phasers. I'm harmless and not ready for a mercy killing.
You were never considered a danger.
That's a shame. I remember when I was at least considered a risk.
I'm owner of this craft.
Since you've already scanned it, you know I'm alone and empty,
which is a rare occasion for a man of my charm and talent.
Mute main viewer. Counsellor?
His emotions suggest he is mischievous, irreverent
and somewhat brazen.
The word that seems to best describe him is "rogue".
"Rogue"? Cad, knave, rake, rascal, villain, wild element...
Yes, Data, but there is no malevolence or ill will.
Audio on. You have a burnout in your guidance system.
If you can diagnose my problems, why not help fix them?
Captain, we can easily repair the system he uses.
- We can accommodate you. - First Officer here.
If you shut down your engines, we can beam you over.
Sir, recommend limited access to our ship.
- Agreed. - Data, lock on him.
- Prepare to beam him aboard. - Ready on your command.
Excuse me, Commander, is that a woman's voice I hear?
Yes. Follow Cmdr Riker's instructions
- so we can get back to our routine. - Whatever you say, Captain.
Well, the unexpected is our normal routine.
Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.
Its continuing mission to explore strange new worlds,...
..to seek out new life and new civilisations,...
..to boldly go where no one has gone before.
Hold it steady, Wesley.
Ready to link on my command.
- Captain, shut down your engines. - Understood.
Transporter room, prepare for beaming.
Wesley, Data, let's go.
Your weapons, please.
A Klingon security officer?
No wars available?
It's more a piece of jewellery than a weapon. A remembrance.
Welcome aboard. I'm Cmdr Riker.
If you turn over the part, we'll begin repairs.
I'd be happy to do the work. I'm a hands-on type.
You'd find our tools rather unusual.
I can believe that. May I at least watch?
That can be arranged.
Good, then, Commander, I leave this in your capable hands.
Sir, this is Cmdr Data. I'm just an acting ensign.
Acting ensigns have names, don't they?
Wesley. Wesley Crusher.
Nice to meet you, Wesley Wesley Crusher.
And thank you for beaming me here
and enabling me to see a truly beautiful woman.
You have a majestic carriage and loveliness
that surely traces back to the noblest families.
I'm sure you've said that to many, and it was not true then either.
But it's how I say it that's really important.
The warmth, the attraction that I have for you.
The attraction that we share.
Mr. Okona appears to have excellent vision as well as a healthy libido.
Capt Okona, if you follow Cmdr Data, you can start right away.
Now, that's sex appeal.
Sexual attraction in this context is not part of my programming.
I am an android.
Well, have you seen any good-looking computers lately?
That's a joke. It's funny.
Of course it is.
- That'll do what the original did? - It sure will. And better.
Let me show you.
On your old one, the zelebium contacts wore down.
What I've done is replace them with tricellite.
Tricellite isn't available here. If I had to replace them...
No need. Your ship will never outlast this part.
Because of the part, or the way I fly?
This part, but you do tend to push your ship beyond its capabilities.
Blame the pattern of my life, Lieutenant.
It relegates me to cargo carrying, rather than your grand explorations,
so I am forced to add some flamboyancy and zest
to the doldrums of my existence.
- Have you ever been cold? - No.
- Warm, then? - No.
- What about drunk? Ever do that? - That is not possible for me.
Pity. What about love?
- The act or the emotion? - They're both the same.
I believe that statement to be inaccurate, sir.
Life is like loading twice your cargo weight onto your spacecraft.
If it's canaries and you keep half of them flying all the time,...
I doubt that statement is accurate either.
Accurate? That was a joke I just told.
- I do not understand. - You don't know what a joke is?
Of course. It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot,
words concluding with a trick ending.
That's the dictionary meaning. I mean humour, fun.
D'you know what funny is?
Where is 806?
Right over there, sir. Why?
You probably wouldn't understand that either.
- Status on the repair? - Working on it.
Commander, what do you think of Capt Okona?
Well, Okona is an interesting man. We've seen how he handles his ship.
Apparently he can handle people as well.
- Then why does he work alone? - He lives by his own rules.
He does what he does by his choice.
Someday, you'll make yours.
I already have.
You agree with Okona that I am missing an important human factor?
I never said that. I simply said that I've never seen you laugh.
I am capable of that function when it is expected of me.
Data, do you even know what a joke is?
Of course. It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot, a...
Look, it's just you and I here.
We're having an intimate conversation.
Why? Because you're a 'droid and I'm a 'noid.
- Why? - Because that's what I am.
Have I offended you?
- No. - Then why are you annoyed?
Because you're a 'droid and I'm a 'noid.
- Humanoid. - Yes.
- You told a joke. - Yes.
- I am not laughing. - Yes.
- Perhaps the joke was not funny. - No, it was funny. It's you.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
I agree. What do I do?
Under normal circumstances, I'd say seek a higher power.
In your case, probably a smarter computer is in order.
Computer, I wish to know more about humour,
why certain combinations of words and actions make humans laugh.
Source material is extensive. Please specify.
Animated presentation, humanoid. Interaction required.
Physical humour, cerebral, or general raconteur?
Of all performers available, who's considered funniest?
23rd-century Stan Orega specialised in jokes about quantum mathematics.
No. Too esoteric. More generic.
That one. RW96321, 20th century.
Program complete. You may enter.
Thanks, ladies and gentlemen, you've been great.
I'd like to take you home.
But I took the last audience home and there's no more room.
But thank you. And thank you for bringing me here. What's up?
Mr. Comic, I wish to know what is funny.
Funny? I don't know. It's a matter of opinion.
Tip O'Neill in a dress?
Some people say words that end with a K are funny.
A briefcase that looks like a fish. That's hysterical.
Tip O'Neill... Accessing.
20th-century male, politician, overweight, wearing female clothing,
carrying a valise that looks like a fish.
So the juxtaposition of gender and an amphibian briefcase is funny.
Well, I think whatever makes you laugh is funny.
Nothing does. I wish to learn.
- How much time do we have here? - Unlimited.
We're gonna need it. You are a tough room.
A colloquialism meaning a severe, rigid, closed-minded audience.
I understand. I will attempt to be an easy room.
- Show me what is funny. - Alright, you're on.
- Mr. Robot, come up. - I'm an android.
I'm sorry. Mr. Android. Here, teeth. Put 'em in your mouth.
Where'd he go? Where did...? Mr. An... Here.
Here, try, if you would. You do...
That is considered...
That is considered to be funny?
Brought the house down in Teaneck.
A word ending in K.
So if you put funny teeth in your mouth
and jump around like an idiot, that is considered funny.
- I didn't get your name. - Data.
Data, did you consider juggling, weird bird calls, stuff like that?
That does not apply. I simply want to know what is funny.
I want to involve myself in other people's laughter.
I wish to join in.
I think that's nice. Let's put the physical stuff aside.
We'll do jokes. It's not my forte, but it might work for you.
If you would have a seat, and we'll try some jokes.
We'll start with the classics.
A salesman is driving along. His car breaks down.
Faster. Move to maximum speed.
A guy goes to his doctor. The doctor says, "You need an operation."
The guy wants a second opinion.
The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."
- Was that funny? - No.
Data, you spoiled the joke. It could have been your timing.
My timing is digital.
- That's funny. - Why?
It would take too long to explain. Another joke?
A monk, a clone and a Ferengi go bowling...
Cmdr Data, report to the main bridge.
I will be back.
Bring new jokes.
An unidentified at 12, mark four.
No response to our inquiries.
Extend hailing frequencies, all languages.
It is an interplanetary vessel.
- Class-7. Crew complement 26. - Still no response.
Captain, they are now locking lasers on us.
- Lasers? - Yes.
Lasers can't even penetrate our navigation shields. Don't they know?
Regulations do call for yellow alert.
Very old regulation.
Well, make it so, Number One, and reduce speed.
Drop main shields, too.
May I ask why?
In case we surrender to them.
Still no response to our hail.
It is slowing and holding its position, Captain.
Sir, we are now being hailed.
Federation vessel, you have no rights in this solar system.
I am Debin of Atlec,
ordering you to heave to and prepare to be boarded.
Shades of Gulliver's Travels. He actually meant it.
But he is right. We are in their solar system.
- Open a channel. - Open, sir.
I am Capt Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.
Why have you locked weapons on us?
You are towing the spacecraft of a known criminal.
He needed emergency repairs. It was our obligation to assist.
You have a man aboard by the name of Okona. I want him.
On what authority?
He is guilty of crimes committed on Atlec.
I expect him to be turned over to my authority immediately.
Mute. What do you think, Counsellor?
He believes what he's saying. His anger is genuine.
What crimes are they?
Neither important nor necessary. I want Okona now!
Another class-7 armed spacecraft is approaching
- from the opposite sector. - Another ship from Atlec?
Similar in specifications and capabilities,
but a variation in markings and hailing language.
Debin, hold this position. Viewer off.
Sensors indicate a security vessel from the planet Straleb.
Another glob fly.
A Klingon fly, half as big as an Earth mosquito with no sting,
- and a buzzing sound like this... - Viewer on. Hailing frequencies.
I am Secretary Kushell,
from the Legation of Unity of Straleb.
- I am Capt Jean-Luc Picard. - We know who you are.
We've been monitoring your communications.
And we know of the demands made by Debin of Atlec.
Then you know we have no hostile intention.
You only have to concede to one demand.
That word "demand" has a tone of finality.
It is a word I have chosen.
We demand that you turn Okona over to us immediately.
Mr. Okona to the bridge immediately.
The same demand has been made by the Atlecs.
I have no interest in their request.
But we intend to back up our rights to Okona.
I would rather not escalate the situation any further.
Our honour and prestige are at stake.
We are ready to take Okona by force and die in the doing of it.
I trust that that can be avoided.
I will respond to your request shortly. Viewer off.
Capt Okona has not responded.
He's been reported in three different crew quarters.
- Find him. Get him up here. - Yes, sir.
Come with me to the main bridge.
I'm sure it can wait a few minutes.
I'd like that.
But I have my orders.
Some other time.
Remember what it took to drag me from you.
Am I going to meet Capt Picard?
- Definitely. - Did I say something funny?
Capt Picard, this is Thadium Okona.
Mr. Okona, you were welcomed aboard without undue investigation.
It was assumed that you did not come under false pretences.
But it seems that you may have done.
If you mean my socialising with the members of the crew...
Mr. Okona, you are free to socialise with the members of my crew.
I'm talking about a man named Debin.
From Atlec. I know some of his family.
Perhaps you can explain why he is threatening to attack us
- unless I give him custody of you. - I can't.
Then tell me why Kushell of Straleb is demanding the same thing.
- He's here also? - And quite adamant.
Mr. Okona, what crimes are you accused of?
- I am not a criminal. - Why do these men want you?
- I can't say. - They're threatening to attack.
- That's mad. They'd have no chance. - Right.
So you can offer no reason why they are set on this provocative course?
I can't think of one right now.
- Which ship? - What?
The first one. Capt Debin.
Captain, let me ask you again, what are Okona's crimes?
That is not your concern.
- It is if you wish him released. - Alright.
You want to know what he did, why I have chased him across this system?
This is his crime.
He dishonoured my daughter.
He took advantage of her, then left her carrying his bastard child.
He'll return and do the right thing,
or I'll hunt him through the galaxy.
Captain's log, supplemental.
Some of the mystery surrounding this ancient morality play
has been revealed.
One of Capt Okona's pursuers is an outraged father
with a heartfelt, if arcane, sense of righteousness.
Your advice, Counsellor.
We are dealing with ancient codes involving procreation.
They are meaningless to us, but to Debin they represent honour.
He will fight,
risking himself, his crew, his daughter and her unborn child.
Your Counsellor's right. He will fight.
The other Captain is demanding to be heard.
I don't suppose you have any idea why this man wants you?
Let's put all this together.
Lt Worf, multiple image, full conference mode.
- Let them all see each other. - Yes, sir.
Here you are, Debin, trying to save this criminal.
- My purpose is not your concern. - It is if it involves Okona.
Gentlemen, please, let's try and resolve this matter.
Capt Kushell, what crime has Okona allegedly committed?
He is a thief. He stole the Jewel of Thesia, a national heritage.
A thing. An item.
My case involves the victimisation of my daughter, and my honour.
- I'll have Okona now. - He is mine!
One at a time. Who accuses me of stealing?
- My son Benzan and I. - Father, please.
- He used you to become my friend. - He used my daughter.
He used my son to plunder a national treasure.
Terminate communications. Come with me.
Captain, you can't be afraid of them.
No. They couldn't hurt the Enterprise.
My predicament is you.
I'm sorry my ship broke down. I'm sorry you're involved.
But you're right. Whatever happens, someone gets hurt.
- If I go to Kushell, Debin fights. - If you go to Debin, the same.
I wish I could...
- I wish I could make it easier. - I'm sure you do.
I won't apologise for the way I am or how I live my life.
But I did not steal the Jewel of Thesia.
I am not a criminal, Captain.
As to the other business,
that's between me and Yanar, no one else.
In truth, I do not have authority in this matter.
I am not your judge, nor is it my duty to arbitrate.
But you are in my custody, which creates a dilemma.
How about this? Do what you said, fix my guidance system and let me go.
According to regulations, that is what I should do.
But their ships are faster than yours. I'm doing you no favour.
Captain, with all due respect, that's not your concern.
Besides, I can take care of myself.
You're quite a craftsman, Lt La Forge. How soon?
What's the rush? I thought you liked it here.
I did. It stopped liking me. Time to disappear.
- Where will you go? - What?
- I said, where will you go? - A new place, if I make it.
- Don't you ever stay anywhere? - Not for long.
I couldn't be like that.
I mean, always being alone.
Cmdr Riker says you choose to live this way.
Is that what he said?
Yeah. It would be difficult for me to be leaving all the time.
I'd miss my friends, the people I love.
I guess leaving's gotten easy for you.
- I seem to use up a place. - I wasn't talking about a place.
I know what you were talking about.
You should be able to install it in five minutes.
Like you said, Geordi, what's the rush?
I have some friends around here. I think it's time to make a stand.
Captain, I've decided not to leave.
- But I'm not staying either. - What are your plans?
I've decided to surrender myself.
- To which one? - There's really only one option.
Gentlemen, communicating like this is very distracting.
I suggest we beam you up, and we resolve this face to face.
- Excellent. - Agreed.
Leave your weapons behind. Keep this civilised.
Number One, take the bridge.
Counsellor, accompany me to deck 14 conference room.
- Worf, see to our guests. - Aye, sir.
They have no weapons.
Okona, you are without shame.
For once, I agree with Debin. You are without shame.
I trusted you. My son treated you like a brother.
And then to steal from us. I want him now.
No, he's coming with me.
My complaint was registered first.
Now, please, be calm.
Lieutenant, thank you.
Everyone is talking about me, not to me.
You all believe that I stole the jewel.
- And that I fathered the child. - You dare call my daughter a liar.
Now I'm offered these two choices, and given these two options,...
..condemnation as a thief, or marriage to the beautiful Yanar.
I will take the more pleasant sentence.
- I will take Yanar as my wife. - No, you can't.
- You can't escape that way. - I don't mean that.
It's not up to you, nor to Okona.
I've been dishonoured. I will decide.
Wait. Since all of you believe Okona is the father, then so be it.
- I'll marry you. - No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
- Okona is still a thief. - No, he's not.
Nothing has been stolen.
The jewel has been taken into custody by its rightful heir.
Me. I was to give it to Yanar as our pledge of marriage.
Yanar is carrying my child.
You said it was Okona's.
If I'd told you it was Benzan,
you would have gone to war with his father.
- I let you think it was Okona. - See how I get a reputation?
If I had said I was giving the jewel to Yanar,
- you'd have disowned me. - Now we're hearing truth.
So you let me chase Okona when you knew he was innocent?
Yes. I didn't think for one moment that you could catch him.
He never would have.
Once Yanar accepted the jewel the marriage would have been made.
- Well, I never got it. - Then Okona does have the jewel.
I never had the chance to deliver it.
Anyway, it's too late. I won't marry Benzan.
- Then you'll marry Okona. - I won't marry anyone!
I have reinstated the same program.
With some new jokes, I hope.
Program complete. Enter when ready.
More freebies? No cover, no minimum, just "Comic, continue"?
What happened, Data?
- I told a joke. - And?
- No one laughed. - Nobody in the whole room?
I was the whole room.
- She said I spoiled the joke. - "Killed" is a better word.
You should always try out new material on an audience.
He could be right. Perhaps that's what you need.
Computer, program an audience appropriate to this venue.
You're angry at the embarrassment of all this.
Maybe the timing is not the most romantic, but...
I know you love Benzan. I don't want to see you throw that away
just because your parents have been quarrelling for years
and don't know how to behave properly.
I've carried your messages for almost six months,
smuggled you to see each other.
You feel for him the same way he feels for you.
I do love you.
It is your child. Our child.
- Marry me. - Yes.
We'll find a new planet to live on.
You'll live on Straleb.
No. You'll live on Atlec.
I will not have this man raising my grandson.
The rest of this is to be settled between yourselves.
- Excuse us. We have business. - Thank you, Captain.
- Your grandson? - My grandson.
Thanks for coming, folks.
We got a great show for you tonight. I'm so excited.
Tonight I have the funny man of the stars,
the android of antics, that lieutenant commander of mirth.
Please give him a nice welcome, none other than...
He's just the best... Data!
Evening, ladies and germs.
I come from a town so small, we had a fraction for a zip code.
- You made a living doing this? - Yes.
It was so small, we didn't have a godfather of crime, we had a nephew.
I was so ugly, they hung a pork chop around my neck...
..so the dog would play with me.
Then there was the human cannonball,
who was hired and fired in the same night.
Audience program off.
It was a holodeck audience, programmed to laugh at everything.
I could reprogram the audience to display a more accurate response.
Data, let me give you one.
Being able to make people laugh, or being able to laugh,
is not the be-all of being human.
No. But there is nothing more... uniquely human.
Hold your speed, Capt Okona. Disengage.
I'm under my own power now. Thank you.
- Thank you, Capt Picard. - Goodbye, Capt Okona.
Bye, Capt Okona.
- Say goodbye, Data. - Goodbye, Data.
Was that funny?
Burns and Allen, Roxy Theater, New York City, 1932.
It still works.
Heard about the girl in the nudist colony that nothing looked good on?
We're ready to leave, sir.
Take my Worf. Please.
- Warp speed, sir? - Please.