Captain's log, stardate 46271.5.
The Enterprise has entered orbit of Deinonychus VII
but our rendezvous with supply ship Biko has been delayed by 48 hours.
In the meantime, the crew are taking advantage of the delay
to pursue their own projects, myself included.
Computer, stop playback.
Change the clarinet to an oboe.
Continue recording.
Computer, pause playback. Come.
Yes, gentlemen?
We'd like to take the Engineering computer off line for a few hours.
We are working on an interface to allow Data to act as backup.
In theory, my neural network should sustain key systems
until primary control is restored.
Intriguing. I'll be interested to see the results. Permission granted.
It's possible we could run secondary systems through Data.
I get the idea. Thank you. Please proceed.
Computer, begin playback from the first measure.
Computer, pause recording. Come.
Jean-Luc, I need to talk about Something for Breakfast.
- The play. - Yes.
Well, it's a very intriguing drama.
But I don't have the time it would take to learn a part.
Anyway, I'm not much of an actor.
That's no problem.
You wouldn't be playing a lead.
It's a very small part. Only two lines.
- Really? - It's the role of the butler.
I'll think about it and let you know.
You would be wonderful, Jean-Luc.
We're rehearsing today at 1:30.
Computer, begin playback from the first measure.
Computer, pause recording. Yes?
Captain, sorry to interrupt.
No, please, come in.
I was hoping to stage ship-wide security drills.
I have planned a schedule.
This is very impressive.
But we'll be taking on new personnel at Starbase 118.
The drills can wait till then.
In that case, I will use the time to check the forward phaser array.
Mr. Worf, is there some reason why you're giving yourself more work?
No, sir. I simply wish to use...
Enjoy yourself. You have free time. Use it.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Computer, continue recording and playback once more.
From the top.
What did he say?
The Captain released me from my duties.
- You mean you can go? - I can go.
Saddle up, Father.
Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.
Its continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds,...
..to seek out new life and new civilizations,...
..to boldly go where no one has gone before.
Where are we?
Deadwood. 19th-century Earth.
The Ancient West.
What is our function here?
You're the sheriff and I'm the deputy.
So, we are in law enforcement.
Geordi, I have noticed that you have not shaved.
Are you attempting to grow another beard?
As a matter of fact, I am. What do you think?
As with many natural growth processes,
it is difficult to envision based on an intermediate stage.
You're right. Give it a few more days.
OK. I'm gonna need to access your auxiliary inputs.
One moment.
I must admit, I never get used to seeing you like this.
I do not understand.
You constantly work on similar electronic systems,
yet their appearances do not disturb you.
But you're not just another electronic system.
Thank you, Geordi.
Nor are you just another biological organism.
Alright. That should do it. Are you ready?
Yes. Establishing computer linkup.
Interface complete.
Alright. Let's see what you can do.
You wrote this holodeck program?
Well, Mr. Barclay helped a little.
I must have a little talk with Mr. Barclay.
If ever I find the varmint that drew this, he'll be sorry.
I'm ten times uglier than that.
Shut up.
You laugh so much, it's a wonder you ain't got flies in your mouth.
You're a very funny man, Seňor Eli.
That's the bad guy. Eli Hollander, the Butcher of Bozeman.
He's killed 23 men.
He's the meanest, toughest gunslinger in the West.
You have to watch him. He's fast.
- So I am here to apprehend him? - If you can.
You are under arrest.
Is that so?
You will come with me.
No, no, no.
Computer, freeze program.
- What is wrong? - That was too easy.
It has to be harder to beat the bad guys, otherwise, it's no fun.
Computer, increase program difficulty to level four.
Go back to where we first walked into the saloon.
Come on, Father.
If ever I find the varmint that drew this, he'll be sorry.
I'm ten times uglier than that.
Shut up.
You laugh so much, it's a wonder you ain't got flies in your mouth.
You're a very funny man, Seňor Eli.
Where are they going?
They don't wanna get hit by the bullets.
You are under arrest.
Looks like Sheriff Worf's here to arrest me.
That don't sound like a bright idea.
Do it?
You have been accused of committing a homicide.
If you mean murder, then I guess I'm guilty.
I've killed 23 men, Sheriff.
One more ain't gonna make much of a difference.
Of course, shooting someone as ugly as you
couldn't be considered a crime, could it?
Was you born that way or did your momma marry an armadillo?
Sheriff, look out.
I'm beginning to see the appeal of this.
Don't twitch a whisker, Sheriff, unless you want a shave.
OK, boys.
Saddle up.
But first, get their money and jewellery.
You are a murderer and a thief.
A man's gotta make a living.
I suggest you find a new line of work.
I asked Counsellor Troi to join us. She loves Western stories.
You'll regret this, stranger.
I am now attempting to access the long-range sensor array.
Forward sensor array coming on line.
We're getting a clear scan.
I will perform a routine maintenance check on the inertial dampers.
Dampers on line. Maintenance check in progress.
Data, we're on to something here.
Let's see about secondary systems. Try gravitational control.
Initiating grav...
What's wrong?
There's an energy fluctuation in my neural net.
I am disconnecting my interface to the computer.
Interface deactivated.
Are you alright?
I have experienced a power surge in my positronic subprocessor.
But I am fine.
Maybe the interface coding isn't as stable as we thought.
We've got a few hours of systems analysis before we try again.
Let's check the interface programming.
What are his rights?
Is there a trial or shall I execute him?
We're supposed to hold him till the US Marshal comes.
Then we take him to Rapids City for trial.
Frankly, I don't think I'll be around here that long,
not after my old man hears about this.
What old man are you referring to?
My pa.
When he breaks me out of this tin can,
the grave digger'll be working overtime.
Your pa is no match for Sheriff Worf.
Yes. When your pa comes, we will be ready for him.
He's right.
You're no match for the Hollanders.
I am sure that the three of us can handle any problems.
Hold on.
I was just passing, saw a little trouble and lent a hand.
But I ain't one of your deputies, Sheriff.
Counsellor, I would appreciate support in this matter.
Durango. I'm called Durango.
Counsellor Durango, would you consider becoming a temporary deputy?
For a price.
Alexander, we require large amounts of currency.
Yes, sir! I'll go to the bank and make a withdrawal.
Deanna, how do you know so much about this period in Earth's history?
My father read me stories from the Ancient West when I was little.
I must admit, I always wanted to play the mysterious stranger.
You are so brave, facing down that evil man like you did.
Why, thank you, Ms...?
Annie, you big galoot.
You best not forget that tonight.
Cos I'm gonna make you a beefsteak and gooseberry cobbler for dessert.
Sounds delicious.
And I bought some special candles for the table setting.
Pure beeswax.
I will not be able to come this evening. I have a prisoner.
I'll keep an eye on him. You two have a good time.
That's very considerate.
But I would be negligent in my duties if I did not stay. Sorry.
It's another woman.
That floozy at Miss Langford's house of pleasure!
You sure got a way with women, Sheriff.
Computer, activate Picard Mozart Trio, program one.
Play back tracks one, two and three.
Tempo allegro.
Computer, stop playback.
Computer, identify musical composition.
Picard Mozart "Trio", program one.
Let's work through Act II from the beginning.
Whenever you're ready.
"Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature..."
Hold it. Will, what are you reading?
The lines. Why?
That's not the right dialogue.
"Your visual, olfactory and auditory senses..."
I recognize it. This is Data's poetry.
The play's gone. I just keep getting more poetry.
Well, the paths are functioning normally.
Seems to be a problem with information retrieval.
When you called up your play,
the computer accessed Data's literary files.
Perhaps this problem is related to our interface experiment.
Better run a level-two diagnostic. See if this problem has spread.
- I will perform a self-diagnostic. - Good idea.
Let me know if you find the play.
Yeah, don't worry. It's in here somewhere.
We got him, jefe.
Where's my boy?
I'm not supposed to be kidnapped now.
Computer, freeze program.
Computer, freeze program.
You want us to kill him, Seňor Frank?
No. He's more valuable to us alive.
Feline supplement 127.
Spot, I have formulated a new mixture of food
designed for your highly selective tastes.
I find it difficult to predict what you will find acceptable.
Perhaps hunger will compel you to try it again.
Spot, you are disrupting my ability to work.
Vamoose, you little varmint.
What'll it be?
I was looking for my deputy. Perhaps you have seen him.
Nope. What'll you have?
Klingon fire wine.
This ain't Kansas City.
We ain't got none of that fancy European stuff here.
Maybe I should get you a sherry.
Ain't that what they serve at Miss Langford's? It is, ain't it?
Ain't it?
Howdy, Sheriff.
Commander. What are you doing here?
The name is Frank Hollander.
What are you looking at?
Nothing. Nothing at all, Mr. Hollander.
What do you want?
My boy.
That is impossible. Your son is to stand trial for murder.
Well then, we'll just have to work something out.
Is there anything you want in exchange for my boy?
You have nothing I want.
Is that so?
Is that so?
What about your deputy?
What about him?
Where is he?
I do not negotiate with criminals.
Your son will stand trial.
Not so fast.
Commander, what are you doing?
I ain't in the mood for games, Sheriff.
Computer, freeze program.
I wouldn't walk out that door if I was you.
What's wrong?
The holodeck's safeguards are not functioning.
Alexander's in trouble.
My God, you've been shot!
Computer, end program.
Troi to Capt Picard.
Troi to Security.
There's another character in the program.
Hollander's father. And he looks like Cmdr Data.
But it is not Data. I cannot explain.
I believe he has taken Alexander.
Now, isn't that a shame?
Poor Sheriff's been injured.
What's the matter? Was my pa too rough on you?
Why is the computer creating characters that look like Data?
Where have they taken my son?
Where is he?
Temper, temper, Sheriff.
My pa ain't gonna like it if I come home all bruised.
Worf, wait.
We have to remember, even though the safeguards are off,
this is still a program.
If we can get to the end of this story as it was designed,
the program will automatically terminate.
You are right. I will begin by speaking to the people of this town.
Perhaps somebody witnessed Alexander's abduction.
Captain's log, supplemental.
La Forge and Data have found the cause
of the mysterious malfunctions which have been plaguing the ship.
We think our experiment caused one of the subroutines to be altered.
When the malfunction occurred,
subroutine C-47 was replaced by elements from my programming.
What does C-47 control?
Library-computer access, replicator selection,
recreation, no critical systems.
That would explain why your program began playing the Slavonic Dances.
I have been analyzing the works of Antonín Dvořák.
It's the same with the play and the food replicators.
The replicators on decks four to nine are producing nothing but cat food.
- Cat food? - Nutritional supplements for Spot.
When can you correct it?
We are attempting to isolate the corrupt circuit pathways.
I reckon the process should take two hours.
- What did you say? - The process should take two hours.
No. You said, "I reckon".
According to my memory logs, I did not.
Y'all must be mistaken.
Data, you did it again.
Did what?
Mr. La Forge, take Mr. Data to Engineering to find the problem.
Aye, sir.
Can I help you with something?
I spoke to several witnesses
who saw Alexander being abducted by one of Hollander's men.
We must begin a systematic search of the town.
We've got another problem.
I saw Eli playing cards, shuffling the way Data does.
He doesn't just look like Data, he has Data's abilities.
Which means his father probably does, also.
- I've come to see my boy. - Remove your weapon.
Better take a good look at that gun. You might see it again soon.
How are they treating you?
Real bad. They ain't fed me since I got here.
That Sheriff's been roughing up on me something fierce.
Don't you worry, boy. The Sheriff's gonna pay.
- Who's the stranger? - I don't know.
She ain't said her name.
But she's in cahoots with the Sheriff,
and she's mighty mean with that Winchester.
You sit tight, boy. I'll have you home in time for supper.
I'm gonna give you one more opportunity, Sheriff,
to avoid a ugly situation.
Release my boy.
I have reconsidered your offer.
I will release your son in exchange for my deputy.
I thought you might have a change of heart.
Meet me in two hours. You be in front of the saloon.
I'll be in front of the livery stable.
Strangers ain't invited.
In every Western I've ever read, the villains break their word.
- He can't be trusted. - We made an honourable agreement.
They're not concerned with honour. This is the Ancient West.
There's a gunfighter with the speed and accuracy of an android.
In two hours, he'll try to kill you.
- Mr. Data? - Howdy, Commander.
Geordi, what have you found?
Well, we figure part of my memory structure
was replaced with information from the recreational database.
Specifically, files relating to the American 19th-century West.
- That would explain the accent. - You got it, partner.
This is a result of the interface?
I'm afraid so. We've initiated a memory purge
to restore Data's programming.
He should be normal in two hours.
And the recreational database?
We started a memory purge there, too. Another hour, maybe two.
You just sit tight. We'll have this fixed up in time for supper.
I will be at this end of the street.
Frank Hollander will approach from this end.
At this point, he will be within range.
Understood. What about Alexander?
There's a rain barrel here. It should stop the bullets.
You would not believe what I went through
to get old man Newsom to give up his telegraph machine.
Lord knows why I keep risking my life for you, Sheriff.
Yes. Thank you, Miss Annie. I'm in your debt.
I have connected the communicator's energy cell
to serve as the power source.
How long will the field last?
No more than 15 seconds. It is highly unstable.
Let's hope it's enough.
- Eli, get down. - Alexander.
Don't even think about it.
Seňor Frank.
Go ahead. Shoot me.
Do not show your face in this town again.
Let's go.
- Are you alright? - Yes.
End program.
I don't understand this.
The story should be over. What's left?
Computer, end program.
You're as handy with a shooting iron...
..as you are with a woman's heart.
Computer, end program.
Computer, now!
Captain's log, stardate 46278.3.
Both Cmdr Data and the computer
have been restored to normal operation.
Our rendezvous with the ship Biko has proceeded as planned.
After what happened,
I guess you'll never want to go back to the Ancient West.
The town of Deadwood may face danger once again.
If they do, they will need a sheriff.
And a deputy.

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